Finding Your People When Home Keeps Changing

Hey friend! 🩷

One of the hardest parts of this lifestyle isn't the deployments or the moves themselves. It's starting over, again and again, when it comes to your people.

You finally find your group, the ones who get it without you having to explain, and then orders come through and you're building it all over again somewhere new. It's exhausting. It's also one of the most important things you can do for yourself.

Here's what I've learned about making friends in this world, eleven years and multiple duty stations in.

Find your version of SLAM

When we were stationed in Italy, I found a group called SLAM, Sweat Like a Mother. Every morning we worked out together, then walked to get coffee and headed to the playground with the kids. Some mornings I felt like I was back in college, just surrounded by friends all day long.

A lot of us weren't able to work because of SOFA status, so we had the time to build something real. Those mornings weren't just exercise, they were the foundation of some of the deepest friendships I've ever had.

When I went through a miscarriage, and later when I was solo parenting through the worst flu of my life, those same girls showed up at my doorstep. Not with a text asking if I needed anything. They just showed up and took care of me.

Find your version of SLAM, whatever that looks like where you're stationed. A workout group, a walking group, a mom's group. The structure matters less than the consistency. Showing up together, over and over, is what turns acquaintances into the people who show up at your door when it matters most.

Try a local gym or class

Here in North Carolina, I joined Burn Boot Camp, and it's been such a great way to build community outside the military bubble. A regular class means you see the same faces over and over, and familiarity turns into friendship faster than you'd think.

Let your husband's friendships lead you to yours

One approach that's worked really well for us: if my husband bonds with someone at work, we try to get the families together. It sounds simple, but it's led to some of my best friendships, including one of my actual BFFs, who I met this way in Italy.

Put in the effort with your neighbors

You don't always get a great neighborhood, but I've been lucky. We live in a small neighborhood here in North Carolina, and we genuinely have each other's backs. It started small: we just went outside and started talking to each other.

This deployment alone, my neighbors have brought me dinner, mowed my grass, and we've hung out around backyard bonfires together. That kind of community doesn't happen overnight, but it starts with something as small as walking outside and saying hi.

Give it more than one try

Not every friendship clicks right away, and that's okay. Give a place, a group, or a person more than one shot before you decide it's not for you.

You're not alone in this

If you're in a new duty station feeling friendless and a little lost, I want you to know that's such a normal part of this life, and it does get better. Find your SLAM. Join the class. Say yes to the workout group or the family dinner. Somewhere on that installation, another spouse is hoping someone reaches out too. Maybe that's your sign to be the one who does.

And here's the part that makes all the goodbyes worth it: the longer you're in this lifestyle, the more you start seeing familiar faces again. Orders have a way of crossing paths more than once. Right now, I'm stationed with seven friends from previous duty stations, and there is nothing more comforting than walking into a new place and already having people there who know you.

So don't hold back from those friendships because you're scared of the goodbye. Military spouse goodbyes are rarely forever. Sometimes they're just "see you at the next duty station."

Tell me in the comments: what's your version of SLAM? How did you find your people?

XO,
Steph